My husband’s faith

Happy Sunday, friends!

Currently: it’s 12:30pm, almost 80 degree sunny day. Sitting here with a diet dr. p with a splash of Chobani chocolate covered strawberry creamer(iykyk) and a worship playlist going behind me. My 16 month old is napping, my husband is working on his truck, and mama felt inspired to write today.

As I was doing my morning skincare this am, I had a realization. A holy realization. One that instantly brought gratitude to my heart and mind. One that stopped me in my tracks; a nudge from the Holy Spirit: “write about it.”

You guys, I remember vividly, really longing for a man of God. I remember when I was on a path; not a path toward God, just a path. Really any path that isn’t walking toward Jesus is a path in the wrong direction. I was on the path of self, my flesh, my own idea of where I thought I ought to be going. Was I even conscious or aware of where I was going, what I was doing? Probably not.

I was on that path; a believer in Jesus. Didn’t have my own personal, authentic and genuine relationship with Him. I had a love for Him, wasn’t quite sure why though.

During that time, I put all my hope, effort, desires and needs into romantic relationships. I looked in all the wrong places for all the things I should’ve been running to Him for.

Due to past wounds, I looked for worth and love in relationships. You know what that led to? More wounds. Before this, the wounds I had acquired or experienced were mostly cast upon me not by my own doing. What I mean by this is the wounds before this were from childhood; things that happened to me not by my own choices. But the new wounds? They not only came about because of my decisions, they were also far worse than the past pain I had experienced before.

During that time, I remember hoping and praying for a man of God. Looking back now, it’s like I innately by divine design had an instinct and natural desire to want a man to love me that loved Jesus more. Wow, I just had to pause, reread and appreciate that line. I think the Holy Spirit’s here; I think that verbiage was directly from Him.

I’ve always been told how strong willed and independent I am. Most people in my life have always labeled and classified me as dominant. I’ve had several girl friends through the years make these comments to me, about how I “wear the pants” in relationships. I was raised by a mother who(good or bad) never shied away from speaking her mind(again, iykyk lol). ((Double parentheses, she’s been working on that for years and has come a long way, praise God🤣)). This combined with a childhood full of different trying seasons, I learned to be strong willed as a means of survival. I had to be able to speak loudly and confidently to survive. I had to find ways to take care of myself, to look out for myself and my little brother.

There would be a lot to unpack there; maybe a topic for a different day.

Anyway, due to this being the way I was wired, I always felt “on.” Fight or flight, high cortisol. What is described as a masculine role: prepared for what’s to come, taking care of everyone’s needs. Honestly, I can’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t feel like it wasn’t my job to take care of others. It’s made me much of the woman I am today. It’s led me to many of the situations I’ve been in as an adult. It’s caused me to make the wrong decisions, to stay too long in certain places or with certain people.

I’ve overstayed my welcome in places and with people after God was repeatedly showing me to stop, pivot and get out. Again, this led to me getting myself burned at some points.

Because of this though, I craved to fall back. Relax, live in my feminine. Soft girl, you know. I didn’t want to be dominant, I didn’t want to have to be the one to take of everything and everyone. I wanted someone to come along and take care of me and my heart. Lo and behold the whole time, Jesus was right there waiting for me to choose Him to be the one I request and expect it from.

I wanted a man to pray with me and over me, to go to church with me, to lead me closer to the Lord rather than further away. You ever want reassurance about a relationship in your life? Ask yourself if that relationship brings you closer or further away from God.

I wanted a man that wouldn’t cower at the mention of God’s holy name. That wouldn’t brush off the importance of a relationship with our maker. A man that would lead me. That would happily prioritize reading God’s word over anything he could read on his phone. A man that wasn’t ashamed to outwardly worship and praise Him.

Y’all, it felt so far off. It felt impossible. I thought I wanted or was expecting something unrealistic.

Until…..

Until I found it.

You know what I didn’t find, though?

My story doesn’t entail me finding a nice church boy that was actively living for Jesus.

Nope, I found potential.

Just like what I was at the time. I wasn’t a woman that was in my Bible or who was walking with God.

What had become a good friend of mine, we realized we had feelings for each other, gave it a shot. Fell in love, came with past hurt and baggage that neither of us caused the other.

We chose to see past it, love each other through it, heal. Grow together, get real and raw with each other. We were honest about all our ugly truths, never once held it against the other nor judged each other for any of it. We got together and life got very real, very fast. We hit rock bottom in financial means, friendships, wounds within ourselves. We were at the bottom and built a foundation. What did we have to work with? We had a belief in Jesus, what He did on the cross and we had an unconditional love for each other.

I didn’t find a man that was husband material.

He didn’t find wife material in me, either.

We were both broken, lost, but had a love for each other that was unmatched and a yearning to grow that love with the one, true love ever created. Jesus Christ.

You guys, I watched a 25 year old boy become a Bible reading, Jesus worshipping, man of God.

A man that prays over me and for me. Places his hands on my head and declares love, protection, and goodwill for me. Speaks scripture over me and our son. Declares scripture over himself, our family, our marriage, home, loved ones, business, our life. Plays worship music when he’s cooking, in his headphones during his workouts. Programmed the radio buttons in both our vehicles to gospel stations. Leaves written notes of scripture around our home. Takes oil and anoints our home in the name of Christ every quarter or when it feels needed. I look around my house and I see open bibles laying around. God brought me a husband that would lead and love our family with Jesus. My baby has been throwing his hands up in worship since before he could speak. My son knows Jesus because of the love, adoration and praise the man I married lives in and shows.

So back to the beginning of this post; I was doing my skincare this morning and heard my husband brewing his coffee in the kitchen. I heard him singing a worship song and I remembered the days I longed for the ones I’m living in now.

I wasn’t raised in a biblically strong home. I didn’t have men before me that actively showed and taught me what it looks like to be a God fearing man; but I married one. And his love for our savior is deep, strong. And because of that, he is pouring into himself, into me, our son, our family and friends. He’s encouraging other men that he works with, and men that he connects with in a bible study group he started over a year ago. The boy I met and fell in love with has and is still becoming a man that will have a ripple effect for generations to come; not just in our bloodline, but in others.

Because of this, the girl that longed to breathe and rest is able to. That little girl that felt she needed to always be prepared for people to leave, for the bottom to fall out? She’s safe. It’s like my husband let Jesus heal parts of him, I let Jesus heal parts of me and because of this softness, I was able to bloom.

Great progress has been made, much change has taken place in us, repentance has been chosen time and time again; yet we are still being shaped and sanctified.

Never perfection, just a willing spirit and a love for Jesus is all we need.

Let this encourage you today. In whatever way it may, in marriage, friendships, family. All of life, no matter who it’s with: what you do matters. The way we live is important. Show others Christ in you. Don’t let emotions, situations, words, past hurts or anything deter you and the mission God has put on your life. It can and will make a difference. You make a difference.

I pray that you reader, whether male or female. Single or taken. 20 years old or 100, that you feel inspired to make a difference. Bring Jesus into your everyday, start somewhere. And if you desire relationships of any kind to bring you closer to God, pray. Ask Him to prune you and your life, your circle. To introduce you and to put you in rooms with people who will speak life over you. No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been. You are worthy, and He can and will put people in your life that will love you correctly and lead your closer to Him.

Jesus loves you & I do too🩵